Badass Bonanza 2: Badass Bonzai
by xelnagahomie
Summary: Revamped, Redone, Re...Everything else! Now with Adrian Sheppard!
1. Chapter 1: Prison Break

-1**Chapter One: Prison Break**

Life was tough during the Black Mesa Incident. Being the only Bad Guy with a name, Adrian Sheppard soon realised that the scientists he was shooting weren't actually a threat to him. That didn't really stop him that much, but still, the whole defenceless look on the three scientists and their numerous clones was kind of nagging at him. Eventually, after they friggin' save his life, Adrian decideds to refrain from the whole murder thang and focus on the god damn headcrabs gnawing at his shoe. After all the work he does though, he still gets stiffed by the G-Man. Somehow, whether by mistake or wormhole, the crazy ass marine from the Osprey has found himself locked in a crappy prison and forced to subsist off of a mushy stew containing old boot and barnacle bits. This, however, is a Red E-Mail Day, and Adrian is on the move.

"Wants some more mystery meat?" Adrian's cellmate, an old kung-fu master asked him. You see, this prison was designed specifically to hold badasses. After the Xeno Incident, the Combine opened up a series of rifts in space-time and sucked all of Earth's badasses into New Nova Prospekt. Not that a prison could hold badasses, but through the confusing logic of 5th dimensional physics, the Combine keep building prisons around the last one, creating an unending wall of prisons that surround the actual prison that can be broken out of. That way, if a badass, say Indiana Jones, was to break out, he would exit the prison into his old cell of a different prison. Exciting, nyet?

Adrian waved the meat off and began fiddling with the walls again. No prison, no matter how confusing, could keep them for long. Who would know about this fifth dimensional crap...Dr. Who! Of course! Adrian went over to the opposite wall and knocked on it.

"Yo, doc! You there?" He inquired. He was answered by a strange cranking sound, followed by a rather large blue Police Box appearing in the middle of the cell. And, of course, out stepped the crazy haired, red scarfed wonder.

"What did you call me for then? I'm a Time Lord, not a butler." He said swiftly as he started performing some bizarre experiment with the bars.

"Do you think you can end this prison cycle and get us out?" Adrian asked while pondering why the Doctor had stayed around as long as he had, especially since he had his TARDIS, the magic flying box that can cross time and space. The answer being simple, his vehicle didn't have enough power to transcend this infinity of prisons. He needed a jolt, a super, nay...UberJolt of power.

For this next part, you must understand Heisenburg's Uncertainty Principle. No, not that one. The other one. Yes, that one. Because Heisenburg was never really the creative sort, he named two principles the same name, but they are completly different. First off, the principle I am writing about involves the fact that anything can be proven with a lot of really big words and talking really fast, no matter how uncertain the audience is of the "fact" itself. Let's use the example of the dinosaurs for instance because I like dinosaurs. What? They look cool, or did, whatever. Anyways, I will now prove that the dinosaurs died out due to a lack of Axis and Allies. Watch closely.

"The fact of the dinosaurs becoming extinct due to the lack of a turn based strategic environment is well founded under scientific principle. The loss of this bonafide asset to the cerebral growth of the ancient beasts profoundly hindered the connotation that the Ostrolopicathus was indeed a mindless invertebrate and not, as many wayward cryptozoologysts might infer, a flying concubine."

As you can see, this sentence I just wrote makes absolutely no sense, but said fast enough and ready properly, 3/4ths of Earth population actually believes it. You see what I did there? I am clever aren't I?

Now came the question, who could give them such a jolt? Nikola Tesla! But he'd need a device to actually get the jolt going…MacGyver, he could do it! Using the TARDIS, they leapt around cells and got the required personal. Soon, their party consisted of Tesla, famed inventor of everything, MacGyver, master craftsman, Dr. Who, inter-temporal extraordinaire, and good ol' Adrian Sheppard.

The contraption was a large windmill-like device made out of a slice of bread, several shoelaces, a piece of boat, and a windmill. Sparks were constantly flying off it as it started up. "Now," Tesla began "I vill cause the device Mr. Gyver here constructed to speed past the speed of time, causing a resonance cascade-" He was cut off by Adrian "Hey wait, that sounds familiar…Oh god, don't do it!" Too late. The device started spinning faster and faster, and eventually the middle exploded in a yellow beam that hit the TARDIS hard.

"C'mon you tools, you wanna die together?" Adrian yelled over the beam that was so bright they could hear it. The crew of four, plus the old Kung-Fu master, who will now be named Kojima the Mighty for the sake of that name sounds cool, leapt aboard the TARDIS and began it's journey out of New Nova Prospekt.

Stay Tuned for (Hopefully) Regular Updates!

I wanted to do a second one because I loved the first one but felt that the ending sucked and I let the badassery get outta hand. This time I promise I'll keep it under control, yet awesome at the same time. Reviews and Comments are appreciated, because I know I can't write, but no one's told me it yet.


	2. Chapter 2: Rome: Total Fudge Up

-1Chapter 2: Rome: Total F$#-Up

The field was calm today. A bright sunny day with barely any wind. A small cricket leapt about, munching on some plant life. He was having a glorious time! That was until the boot of a well trained walking death machine crushed the life out of it. Hundreds of solders, practiced in the deadly art of kickass. Waving the standards of Rome, the legionnaires marched towards the forest where their quarry; Germanic barbarians, were believed to be hiding. Their uniform stomp could be heard from a thousand hogsheads away. Suddenly, they all stopped. A single soldier in a plumed helmet and gold plated armour walked in front of his legion and looked menacingly at the black wall of trees. He pulled out a large scroll, unravelled it, and cleared his throat.

"Bjorn Helljstrom," The soldier began in his native tongue "You are charged with inciting violence against the empire, come out peacefully and we may grant you mercy. This is your only chance to avoid certain death. Respond!" He then rolled up the scroll and awaited a response. It came in a hail of arrows from the trees. Several troops were caught off guard and were swiftly dispatched. However, most were able to protect themselves with their long shields. This served as the start of the battle. The legionnaires, in perfect synchronization, formed into a turtle formation, where they create a safe box of shield to protect them from arrows while they move. They then started the long crawl toward the forest.

"Whoop Wooooop" Went the TARDIS, as the crew of Badasses flew through time. "Hold on everybody, we going to land hard…Where ever." The fine Doctor said as he adjusted knobs and toggled switches. Tesla was in the back fiddling with miscellaneous power conduits and MacGyver was making a escape pod out of magazines and toothpaste just in case. Adrian had a bad feeling about this, but then again, he had a bad feeling about all his experiences. "Bug Hunt" his ass. As the flying police box finally stopped spinning, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Kojima the Mighty ran his fingers through his beard and pondered the zaniness of his current surroundings. Deciding against attempts at making sense of things, he just opened the 5th dimensional call box and stepped out, or he tried to. You see, the TARDIS had landed sideways. This isn't good, since the pocket space inside is right side up, but outside it's not.

After several minutes of confusing dialogue and awkward leg placement, Adrian got fed up and just jumped out. He landed beside the TARDIS, on his back. Not a good place to land for anyone, I imagine. Rubbing his poor spine, he got a quick glimpse of the scene around him. Red, trees, grass, Roman legionnaires, clouds…wait, what was that last one? He shook out the cobwebs and looked back again to see the First freaking Reich slowly approaching his position. Instinctively he pulled out his M-16A2, which he now regrets not ditching at Black Mesa. The walking museum pieces were still half a mile away, but he wasn't taking chances. For the first time he heard a yelling sound from behind him. He spun around to find around HALF THE POPULATION OF SCANDINAVIA heading towards the Romans and naturally, completely ignoring the 1950's London staple. Apparently under certain situations, the human mind can actually shut out parts of vision to keep the mind from blowing, quite literally (It's all defined under Heisenburg's Three Laws of Holy-Crap-What-The-Hell-Was-That (HCWTHWT for short)) They were all massive men, all clad in rags and wielding some pretty sharp looking swords, axes, and miscellaneous other pointy weapons.

"FOR THOR!" Their leader, a great behemoth holding one of the biggest hammers in the known Multiverse, yelled. They charged towards the Romans in a mighty bloodbath of 3D blood and gore. Most of the Roman's crumbled under the sheer numbers, but there was one who just wouldn't go down. At least fifty men had fallen by his hands and even more were coming at him. Still, he simply refused to die. He wasn't a large man, but he rolled and gutted and slashed like a madman. Adrian and Kojima decided that it was time to show these barbs the true power of badassery and help out their comrade in arms.

Running up, Adrian yelled at the top of his lungs "Hey all, let me introduce you to my mobile Genghis!" He then fired a single round into a rather burly looking man with a pointy hat. He went down like a sack o' potatoes. At this time, the first law of HCWTHWT was overridden by the second law (That being that if you see yourself in danger by this strange phenomena, your brain says "Screw it" and assigns the anomaly as it's primary target.) A massed horde of ugly barbarians rushed and Sheppard, but he was calm. Partly due to his weekly Yoga routing, mostly due to his M80 grenade launcher he remembered to reload. "THUMP!" It went as it soared out of the lower barrel and into a pack of hungry young fighters, where it ripped them to shreds. "Eat that causality!" He screamed. At this time, Kojima the Mighty decided that it would be funny to start busting some more heads. He leapt up and delivered a bicycle kick to a barbarian, and started an awesome whirlwind of destruction on anyone in the remove vicinity.

MacGyver and Tesla, not being known for their fighting skills, managed to build a functioning death ray. Don't ask what it was made of, because you'd just end up confused, well, even more then usual. Mounted on a tripod, their proceeded to fire their beamy hose of death into the mass of humans approaching their more physically inclined members of their party. After a while, the waves of barbarians thinned out, and eventually stopped. Most were either dead or in retreat. Adrian wiped the miscellaneous human fluids from his gun and walked toward the only Roman not dead or in several pieces.

He was a true battle scarred veteran. This guy had been through about everything humanly possible to go through, and some things that weren't. "What's your name, soldier?" Adrian asked the blood-soaked legionnaire. He looked up and just said "Casca" Shortly after, the crew of the TARDIS made it's way over and stood around the seemingly invulnerable man. With Dr. Who's transportation creating a mind link that allowed communication between them, they learned that this Casca fellow wasn't seemingly invincible, he was invincible.

"So, Mr Casca, why are you so not-killable? It seems the rest of your legion wasn't." MacGyver asked while making some sort of fission power source with a paper clip. Casca looked around and remined himself that the only company he had were strangers from the future. "Yeah, funny story, I had this thing. You see, I killed Christ." This caught Dr. Who's attention.

"Wait a minute! Casca Rufius Longinus?" He asked as he fiddle with some sort of electronic notepad. "Yes, what of it?" The Roman responded. The Doctor kept typing along and eventually, he found the result he was looking for. "Casca, also known as Casey Romain, a mercenary in the 1980's…" He trailed off. It seems like this Roman soldier actually was invulnerable, apparently Christ had a sick sense of humour.

"Hold up comrades," Tesla piped up "This man seems too awesome to be a regular person, why was he not at the prison as well?" This made sense, because all the people in the Multiverse who could kick ass and take names were in New Nova Prospekt. Why was this one not? The good Doctor whipped out his scanamajig and gave Casca a once over. Nothing unusual was detected, until he reached the single ring Casca wore. The Scanoatron was beeping like crazy, it even shot up a few flares and the bottom portion subsequently exploded. It seems the ring was not from this time period.

After some tinkering back in the TARDIS, Mac got the ring open and found a complex jamming device inside. Apparently, Casca's ring had been blocking the scans by the Combine through the 'Verse. "Who gave this to you?" Asked Kojima. Casca looked at his ring and shrugged. "I found it on the ground in a crappy port town in Sicily. Why?" It seems like an entity wanted to keeps some of Earth's badasses. Either way, there was nothing left for them here. It was time to get a move on. Doctor who checked the history, and it's recorded that Casca's whole legion, including him, were wiped out by barbarians. That meant it was safe to make the jump. The TARDIS was outside of the prison and could again make jumps without the device in the prison, but the targeting mechanism was fried. As the Doctor managed to lock down the whole space thing, they will only travel in time and to various points on Earth. Looks like it was time for some random leaping, in time!

The TARDIS spun up and the crew departed the fields of Europe just in time to escape a certain speech impaired lawyer looking' dude who had just ran across a field to catch up to them. "Damn you!" The G-Man yelled at the fading box "I'll catch you….Soon Mr. Sheppard….Soon." And with that, he disappeared into a white doorway.


End file.
